note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
