now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
