shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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