just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
