you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
