I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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