I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
