I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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