barbara walters just said penis...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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