i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
