i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize