did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
