She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
