I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My bed smells like the plague
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
