You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're so committed to being not committed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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