He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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