I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i out mim tonsoeep
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