I want to make a zoo with you.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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