Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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