That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
