I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
