I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
