Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize