3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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