i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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