you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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