Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
