someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
