you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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