ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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