I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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