When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
