I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think my mom watched the whole time
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
