Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
