Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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