I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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