maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
