we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
