I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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