dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i believe in u and ur pee
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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