do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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