Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
