I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
