Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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