Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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