You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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