You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
