how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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