I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
