I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
