My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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