i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
