I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
