Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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