I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
this is an emotional support booty call
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
pray to the hookup gods
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
