Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think my moral compass just broke
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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