walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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